Back On The Road

If you are a Michigan resident I will kindly ask “What the holy hell cakes happened to our nice freakishly warm weather?”  If you are not a Michigan resident please pay no attention to the previous sentence.  Well after a few tweaks here and there, loosen bolt, tighten bolt shimmy shimmy, measure, adjust, tweak a little more…..the Tri-Cross is back in operation and fully road worthy.  Well, nearly 100% road worthy there is in fact some considerable scratches on my brake/ shifter lever and the bar tape on my left drop is looking quite gnarly.  My Garmin took a small beating and my Fat Cyclist jersey has found its way to the trash bin…. other than that the bike and I are good to go.  Do I have plans on replacing the bar tape or the brake/ shifter lever….eventually but I think I will wait until daily cycling does not constitute running the gauntlet that would rival the Khumbu Ice Falls.  Let’s just face it, I was begging for it really, I held my middle finger in the face of fate and good fortune for far too long, had become brash, verbose, arrogant and cocky about my aptitude to ride unscathed through the foul weather.  I get it, I accept this, and now I must move on.  “That’s it right, you’re done for the winter right” they ask me with trepidation in their voices.  “Nay” I yell and I make grandiose gesticulations and even more grandiose claims of “Never surrender” and “I would rather send my frame to smelting before I ride that trainer!”  Which is more or less true because truth be told I will gladly take a concrete face plant over trainer rides anytime…..and this is when I am threatened with psychiatric inpatient therapy.

Top 10 Things To Say When Someone Asks You What Happened To Your Face:

 If you ever try to use your face as a brake pad leaving you with very obvious facial abrasions, lacerations and bruising I suggest the following excuses which sound infinitely more awesome than “I fell on my bike.”

10. Bear attack
9. Bar fight
8. Curling iron accident (made funnier by the fact I shave my head)
7. Meteor hit me in the face
6. Burns received when I was rescuing 3 dozen kids from a burning orphanage
5. Bazooka blast injury
4. Homemade flame thrower gone wrong
3. Rabid penguin attack
2. Jousting accident
1. Necrotizing Fasciitis then quickly say “Now come here and give me a smooch”

An Object In Motion Will Remain In Motion….

…Until he smashes his face into the concrete. 

It started out as a simple enough plan, short on time so a quick 16 mile originating from my house.  Ride, shower, go to meeting at the kids school.  Traffic was…well it was early afternoon traffic so I was plotting and scheming the route that would put me on as many secondary roads as possible.  On the return, about 2 miles away from my house I decided to cut through down a side road and bypass a formidable and inhospitable intersection….and that’s pretty much all I remember.  One second I am riding the next I am on the face down on the ground and in a lot of pain….and there is blood.  I push myself up and stand up and try to survey the scene.  First I take a swipe across my face with my hand and get an immediate report of blood issuing from both my nose and what feels like a laceration under my left eye.  A quick glance down at my coat confirms that I am indeed bleeding.  I start to take a physical inventory of what is hurting I ask for a report from below the waist, knee immediately answers “left knee has sustained some damage sir!  “Brain this is left hip, left hip has sustained a direct hit!  We are still in this one!”  I then ask for a damage assessment from above the waist and left shoulder sounds the claxon of damage “Left shoulder…..cough…..hack….Left Shoulder……gasp…..I’m trying to keep it together…..cant hold on much longer…..hack…..”  Brain to spine, come in spine.  “Brain this is spine took a hell of a twist but we are good to go!” 

I turn my attention to my bike…it’s an ugly scene, the bars are spun grotesquely into and under to the top tube, my shifter is nowhere near where it usually is.  I stand it up and straighten the bars and see a horrid bend to the left side.  Bar tape is ground off on the outside and my Garmin looks like someone took a belt sander to it.  I remount figuring I need to get home and address these injuries before the pain really starts to set in.  The ride home I am glancing all over surveying more and more damage.  Left knee of my Specialized thermal tights are shredded, I can see skin on my left shoulder which means exactly 3 layers of clothing are now trashed including my Team Fat Cyclist jersey.  I have one gear that works, and my rear brake no longer functions.  To really add to the insult another pair of Oakleys has fallen victim, this time my XXX’s are broken.  I limp it to my house and head into the bathroom to inspect my face which took the full brunt of the hit.  I clean all of the dried blood off and am left with a jagged cut and a rapidly swelling cheek.  I strip off the layers and just as I suspected everything except my socks and shoes is damaged more or less beyond repair and I am also looking at a nice healthy collection of road rash on the left side of my body from hip to shoulder…and face.  I shower and get dressed and head out to the garage to check my helmet, and this is precisely when the sick feeling washes over me.  It’s cracked and the outer shell is virtually ground down to the foam over a large section right where the temporal section of my head would have taken the hit had I not been wearing the helmet.  I can only assume I hit a small patch of ice on the road and went down.  Now I have to take the bike in tomorrow to see what the real damage is.  Wear your helmets!

“Sludge X”

Gah!  Looks like someone has been remiss with updating the ol 100 Pounds Ago Website and the guilty shall be called Gene.  There are two possible reasons for this inattentiveness I have shown this site A.  Life has been busy leaving me no time to log in and update or B. There really is nothing all that new going on around here and the lack of anything new and news worthy has left me with bubkis as far as new “stuff”…..SURVEY SAYS….the answer is B.  Outside of a freakish mid winter warm up where the temps have nearly tip toed their way into the 40’s there is absolutely nothing to report here. 

Wait….there is one thing…..I found, and have yet to name, a new form of primordial sludge.  This sludge can be collected by your legs, back, and over your entire frame during a ride it is unknown whether or not this sludge is present all over the country or a limited to Lower Michigan occurrence.  I first noticed this sludge during one of the warmer days as it was hard to miss since I was very nearly covered in head to toe with it.  It’s quasi slimy in consistency and close to perfect black as you can get and has a certain odor, not an unpleasant odor…..just an odor.  I have, as of today, not worked up the courage to provide a taste report and doubt that the taste of this substance lends any credibility to my discovery, you know in the name of science and all.  “Sludge X” as I refer to it has an alarming propensity to rust, in short order, any metal substance it clings to and seems capable of stripping even the most resolute chain lube in no time at all.  Further testing on “Sludge X” will be forthcoming

Amid The Controversy, Garmin Virtual Training Partner Fires Back

If tension was thermal heat, Michigan would be in the grip of an unusual mid winter thaw.  Tensions between Garmin Virtual Training Partner and little known former tubby man Gene Butcher have reached a fervent crescendo.  Garmin Virtual Training Partner issued a written statement on Monday morning which took over 24 hours to translate since it was written in an amalgamation of binary code, HTML, and Java Script.  Garmin Virtual Training Partner calls the accusations made by Butcher “Totally Whack, preposterous, egregious and a blatant attempt to smear my good name.”  Butcher again is calling for testing and a neutral third party to check some disparity in times between he and Garmin Virtual Training Partner.  “Look facts are facts, GVTP has figured a way to manipulate the system…either that or he has mastered String Theory and has found a way to disrupt the time space continuum, I mean he is smart but not that smart so I am sticking with my original claim of cheating either by time or by performance enhancing substances” Butcher again claimed. 

Calls have been placed to some of the premier Physicists in the nation to see if indeed a worm hole could indeed generate the time discrepancies that Butcher is claiming.  Again on Saturday and Sunday Butcher and Garmin Virtual Training Partner had at each other, again on the snow blown winding path simply referred to as “The Springs” for hours they battled it out and at one point where wheel to wheel for the majority of the day until Butcher had an inopportune problem where he had to slow as to avoid striking some cross country skiers.  This allowed Garmin Virtual Training Partner the leverage he needed to cinch the day.  Garmin Training Partner dismissed the incident stating “He didn’t get slowed down he bonked, he is using the skiers as an excuse.”  Garmin Virtual Training Partner is also hurling accusations back at Butcher “The guy only eats fruits and vegetables…is that even permissible?  Is it even safe?”  Since these are unregistered and unsanctioned events there is no governing body that will intercede with this hotly contested series.  “This is unfortunate” Butcher calmly spoke from the warmth of his running vehicle after the race “If we let him get away with this here he will think he can get away with it anywhere.”  Butcher vowed “Absolute vindication, either through investigation or through the decimation of Garmin Virtual Training Partner at The Springs…I will have my day.”

Controversy

This story republished with the permission of The Mostly True Press Association.

Amid the flurries of the last few days in Michigan there seems to be a flurry of accusations levied against the Garmin Virtual Training Partner by Gene Butcher who has made public his claims that Garmin Virtual Training Partner is cheating. “There is some shady goings on happening out there these days” claims Butcher. “I would hate to make a false accusation here but I am pretty sure Garmin Virtual Partner is using some form of performance enhancing substances” Butcher adamantly states from behind a balaclava covered face. Butcher claims that on several occasions Garmin Virtual Training Partner has somehow altered the lap time to appear faster than he actually is, “Its either that or Garmin Virtual Training Partner is ingesting meth-amphetamines prior to race time, either way there is some poppy-cock and skull-duggery going on around here.” The final straw was a race that occurred yesterday in what some would consider a vicious blizzard. Garmin Virtual Training Partner attacked early in the race and left Butcher in a snow squall, Butcher tried in vain several times to close the gap but fell short finishing about a minute behind Garmin Virtual Training Partner. “My plan was to pull up wheel to wheel and deliver a crippling kidney punch, that’s the only way I can beat him….especially since he is gaining the upper hand in an underhanded kind of way” Butcher said.

The highly reclusive Garmin Virtual Training Partner could not be reached for comment.

Go Read This

Go check out my Bar Mitts review at  nyvelocity.com 

Why are you still here?

2009= Failure

The above picture is the only picture I took at the Polar Rhino Ride, about 10 minutes before the event got underway.  Taken from the back of the riding field as people where still assembling.  The rest of the ride, to be honest, I was too petrified to take my hands off of the bars, except for a few sections of actual roadway the rest of the ride was on a snow covered ice rink kind of conditions.  If you want to see more pics of the event you can look at the Kinetic Systems Facebook page.  Now riding lik this most likely does not appeal to about 99% of people who ride a bike but I assure you if you get the chance take part in a ride like this, do it.  There is comfort and a little bit of fun in mass frostbitten misery. 

I couldn’t help but get lost in my own thoughts on this ride, the first ride of 2010…a new year.  I gladly put 2009 behind me there were events and ramifications of those events in 2009 that will follow me well into 2010 and for the rest of my life for that matter.  2009 will forever be the year that my dad died, the year that changed me in ways I still am trying to come to grips with.  2009 will always be the year I took to the trenches and tried to pull my own health back from the disaster it was….and I almost succeeded.  I say almost because in essence I failed…I let myself down…I failed to reach my goal.  If you look at the top menu tabs of this site you will see the heading “The Goal(s)” goal one was lose 100 pounds in 2009….failed.  I came close and you all know it and I am surprised no one called me out on it.  I have accomplished some things more or less by accident, sure if you lose enough weight your cholesterol usually will come down and sure if you ride enough your cardio will be better than it was when you where a young thin soccer playing high school student.  However, it does not change the fact that as far as goals go I am only batting 500.  I reached one of the goals and came within 10 pounds of the other.  I liken this to reaching the “Hillary Step” on Everest only to turn around and ascend back down to base camp…..its dietary blue balls and it sucks.

 So what now you ask?  I keep going; I keep grinding away through the snow for those last 10 pounds with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth.

Polar Rhino Ride

Just in case you didn’t know its New Years Eve, I say big flippin deal I’m stuck at work waiting for the all but guaranteed slew of 911 calls that will ultimately come tonight. Calls where stupid people attempt stupid human tricks and get themselves into all kinds of predicaments that will result in them being hastily taken to the hospital for stitches, casts, foreign body removal…the possibilities are endless. Speaking of stupid human tricks, we are also on the eve of the Polar Rhino Ride which I will be taking part in starting at the crack of noon tomorrow. This is where a few hundred people show up to ride the dirt back roads of our fair county. Now the other night I went out for a ride to insure that the Tri-Cross was in top working order, furthermore, I wanted to run a test on dirt roads now that we are inundated with snow and ice to see how it handles on such surfaces. After going “Tits Up” 6 times in less than a quarter mile I decided (albeit painfully) that perhaps some tires with a little more grip would be in order so I pick up some Michelin Mud 2’s. I take them home mount, inflate and go for a test ride….through my yard. In which case I liken them to this pictorial below:

My Bike before new tires:

My bike after new tires:

Happy New Year Everyone,

Gene

The Almost Impervious Laws Of Nature

Fist of all if you are visiting having found your way from Twisted Spoke…welcome pull up a chair and join me in a spot of green tea.

 There are laws of nature and recognized theories that make the world spin comfortably on its axis, for example “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.”  We have all heard it we all recognize how in some cases this could even be true.  Here is another example “Tell Gene he can’t or shouldn’t do something and he will go out of his way TO do it.”  Its an un-arguable fact, it’s one of the laws of nature, right after the law stating there will be no toilet paper in a public restroom.  With my lifestyle change I get a lot of “cants, shouldn’ts, and wouldn’ts” mostly phrased like “Oh I forgot you can’t eat cheese.”  Only in these cases I am inclined not to break the clearly stated laws of the universe and not go out of my way obstinately to prove anyone wrong, instead I retort….”You misunderstood its not a matter of cant it’s a matter of don’t.”  Yet another near daily battle of wording is “You really shouldn’t go out and ride…it’s snowing.”  This statement is usually met with a blank stare and a curse “Pashaw!”  So I layer up my body in an entire laundry load of clothing and hit the road with thoughts of “I will show you shouldn’t, see you in a couple of hours!”  I am starting to suspect that people tell me I shouldn’t ride in a blustery snow storm just so they can watch me try.

New Definition

We have all heard of “Path Ninjas” and “Road Salamon” I submit for your approval a term I am going to claim full credit for.  Ladies and Gentlemen I present you with “Road Zombie.”

Main Entry: Road Zombie
Pronunciation: \rōd zäm-bē\
Function: Noun
Etymology: 1. Middle English rode, from Old English rād ride, journey; akin to Old English rīdan to ride.  2.  Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, of Bantu origin; akin to Kimbundu nzúmbe ghost.   
Definition:
1 a : A person held to resemble the so-called walking dead; especially : b : a person markedly strange in appearance or behavior
2.  A person walking on the side of the road where cyclists usually travel.
3.  A person walking and babbling incoherently with a gait that is pattern less causing a cyclist to make a wide path around said Road Zombie.
4.  A person walking on the side of the road at an hour of the day that was initially thought only cyclists would be crazy enough to exist on such a portion of the road.

Let The Beatings Continue

My very first post on this site was called “Let The Beatings Begin” where I posted a picture of myself and made public to the world my embarrassing personal data.  Yesterday, I got the results from my latest blood tests which I will make public later in this post.  To know me is to understand I am a vicious competitor; I have expectations of myself that no single human on the planet would ever have for me, and sometimes they are even unrealistic.  With that being said I tend to lose sight of what I have or can accomplish because I have yet to reach a goal.  This is where I am at right now I am seemingly indifferent to the fact that I have now lost 90 pounds because all I really want to do is get to the 100 pound mark.  While losing 90 pounds is quite an achievement to me its not good enough.  Try as I may to remind myself of this it just does not stick.  I will however acquiesce to the fact I have accomplished some really good stuff as far as internal health.  My results came in a non descript envelope and scrawled all over the lab data was hand written notes from the good Doc…words like “Perfect, Exactly where you should be, Awesome, Un-believable, and Unreal”   Here is the old data from earlier this year:

Here is the Ugly Truth:
Weight:  300
Height: 6’1
Resting Heart Rate: 90+
Resting SpO2: 96% (this is the Oxygen level in your capillary beds)
Blood Pressure whilst medicated: 156/110
Blood Pressure when un-medicated: 240/150
Cholesterol level:  320+
Pant Size:  44
Shirt Size: xxl and in some cases xxxl (more often times than not it’s a xxxl)
Cigarettes smoked per day:  40+

 Here is the Update as of 12-15-2009
Weight:  210
Height: 6’1
Resting Heart Rate: 64
Resting SpO2: 99% (this is the Oxygen level in your capillary beds)
Blood Pressure whilst medicated: N/A I don’t take this crap anymore!
Blood Pressure when un-medicated: 118/62
Cholesterol level:  157!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pant Size:  34
Shirt Size: Large
Cigarettes smoked per day:  0, zilch, nada, none!

Have a good Christmas folks (or whatever Holiday you choose to celebrate)

One Step Closer To Complete Techno-Dorkitude

I am not what some would call a “Techno-geek” you know the guy that has every possible electronic whizbang and doodad.  I am only moderately reliant on technology and whizbangs, furthermore, those electronic whatchamacallits are an absolute necessity like my two cell phones, my PDA, Ipod, laptop and the Kindle I just know I am going to get….but I digress.  I don’t really feel the need to have the latest and greatest electronic device or (God forbid) Bluetooth earpiece.  However what do I say about technology I didn’t know I needed until I got it and then realized in a flash of an on button that I don’t know how I functioned without it?  My answer my loyal 3 readers is “It Freaking Rocks!”

Now I have a friend, yes I have one friend, and this one friend and I have been more or less inseparable for the better part of 15 years…well if you take into account he spent two of those years in Iraq…you get the point.  Now he and I both have wives and kids and we both work the exact same job only in different cities and we have a great deal of fun (and a little trouble) hanging out and such.  Every year about this time both of our families meet for a little Christmas dinner at a restaurant, we don’t buy gifts for anyone as we have agreed not to a great many years ago and the tradition stuck.  For us it’s just dinner and hanging out and annoying the ever living hell out of the other patrons of the eating establishment we choose.  This year someone broke the long standing rule of the “no gifts” part of this equation.  I was presented with a box when we sat down, a wrapped box, a wrapped box that contained a gift….that no one was supposed to buy.  I sheepishly open it and find a Garmin 205….which more or less leaves me completely speechless….for a few minutes….to the point of being awkward.  I finally push out a thank you knowing that refusal of this gift will get me absolutely nowhere.  This was Sunday night, fast-forward to Monday.  Monday I had no intention of riding but the siren song of this new high tech item was too strong so I mounted the Garmin on the bike and hit the road.  Upon my return and upon thawing out from the ride I downloaded all of the data onto my computer then stared entranced at the screen at all of the wonderful data this baby produces, wherein I sent the following text to my friend “The only thing on my bike more awesome than me is the Garmin.”

Mud Fest 2009

It became abundantly clear on Saturday that I am riding on borrowed time here in the snow belt.  I plotted and schemed all day to find the optimal time to ride, waiting patiently for at least a little portion of the road to clear up enough to allow me to eek by unmolested by car mirrors.  I found it so I went for it, a few inches of snow fell the night before so into the slop I went….and then the weather twisted on me.  About 20 miles away from home I saw the flakes starting to fall again and noticed an obvious temperature drop.  All of my outer garments were already soaked from the spray and splatter that was being kicked up and slowly the spray and splatter started to turn to ice.  I had ice stalactites hanging off of my helmet, ice covered my handle bars, and I was sporting about 2 solid inches of ice covering my entire down tube.  My derailleur was unrecognizable and my shoes looked like two blocks of dirty ice.  Not feeling comfortable with riding on the side of the road back to my house I opted for the gravel road route which shall now be referred to as “Mud-Fest 2009.”  I hit that route home and instead of snow and slush I am kicking up thick mud and there is mud every where, in my mouth, in my ears, up my nose…..everywhere.  My normally white bike has turned into a giant blob of frozen mud and my freakishly fluorescent yellow riding jacked is now fully brown.  I get to the point where I have to ride on the side of the road because to get to my house you simply have to and I pull up to and stop at a red light.  The horror of people’s faces in their cars makes me laugh out loud and a guy stopped at the intersection rolls down his window and starts yelling “Get it bro….Geeeeeeeet Itttttttttttt whooooooo!”   I shoot him a quick double devil horns.  I pull into the garage and start the process of stripping down when my wife opens the door takes one look and simply says “I’ll start the washing machine” and shuts the door.  Two hours of riding and 3 hours spent cleaning the mud machine….I think I burned more calories cleaning.

 I will be writing tomorrow about the awesome Christmas gift my best friend gave me yesterday.  Its not a Kindle however its equally as rad.

First Snow Ride

I am pretty sure that the person or persons that decided to add Gortex to Sidi shoes should indeed win some form of International award…perhaps in the Nobel category. Furthermore, I am sure that if ever given the opportunity I will indeed kiss (with tounge) that person or people who brought together such a wicked awesome combination of Sidi and Gortex.

The other day on Facebook I threw out the quote “Its December, in Michigan, there is snow….get over it.” In response to all of the epic whining going on about the snow. Because it’s pretty much a guarantee that the snow will fly here in the Mitten state. Last week it did which led me to the belief that I would be relegated to trainer rides until at least March. Me being me, which is to say Me having a few screws loose in the brain matter that sits atop my neck I decide to go ride anyway, because lets just face the facts I have pretty much ridden in worse. I layer up and hit the road, cold…no big deal, wind…who cares, snow….I spit at you snow! Here in the Mitten we have some killer road crews that can clear a road while most people are still watching Good Morning America and slugging down quadruple espressos. I found side of the road actually quite hospitable, albeit a tad wet and perhaps a tad muddy. It’s all in the equipment I say, the warm shoes, the insulated tights, the warm gloves, the bike that can plow through snow drifts when you want it to, all of it lent to a good ride in otherwise miserable conditions. I will be working on adding a gas heater to my garage though because it is simply just not fun to strip down to your riding shorts in a 20 degree garage so you don’t track mud and slush into the house.

$1.00 Ipod Upgrade or Some Guys Will Do Anything To Stay Off Of A Trainer

I know this post is a day or two late but I wanted to back up my Ipod Freeze-Proof Upgrade with good solid field testing. Two days of riding, day one was 30 degrees day two was 26 degrees. Day one ride was 1 hour 24 minutes, day two ride was 1 hour 34 minutes. Here is the step by step tutorial with bonus pictures.

Step 1: Go to your local Army Surplus store walk past the creepy man behind the counter that is chain smoking while eating two foot long Subway subs and drinking what looks to be a gallon of cola. Find the cheap chemical handwarmers (the kind you shake and they heat up) buy a few of them (I paid $1.00 each.) Take them to the creepy guy and wait patiently while he finishes his bite and licks his fingers (apparently Subway ran out of napkins) Ignore the mayo on his chin and the mustard on his use-to-be-white-but-now-its-tan-cause-he-has-less-than-stellar-hygene-habits Tshirt. Pay, walk to your car, use excessive amount of hand sanitizer to clean your hands, and drive home.

Step 2: You will need the following items: 2 rubber bands, 1 handwarmer, 1 Ipod

Step 3:  Chose your playlist or your album, set volume to your liking and press play.

Step 4:  Lock the controls on your Ipod

Step 5:  Place handwarmer on the face of your Ipod and affix the hand warmer to your Ipod with the two rubberbands (referenced in Step 2)

Step 6:  ROCK OUT!

Frozen Ipods

Did you know I am obsessed with Punk music? I will bet you didn’t know that, well now you know. With that being said did you also know I ride with headphones….ALL THE TIME. No exceptions, no variances from this practice, never ever, never. Part of the reason I ride with music is the sound of my breathing annoys me to no end, I know what your thinking “This dude just gets weirder by the hour” I assure you it’s the truth. Now I have been rocking along with the same Ipod I have owned for a few years now, the classic 30g and let me tell you it is packed full with serious punk music. Bands like Black Flag, Minor Threat, Suicidal Tendencies, The Clash, Rollins Band, Misfits, Danzig, Social Distortion, Gwar, Rancid, The Ramones, etc etc. There is a pre ride ritual I go through, headphones…check, proper selection for the mood of the day….check, volume…check, off we go. So, yesterday I am riding I plan on a fast paced 24 mile jaunt, its about 31 degrees slight wind. I have on my new shoes feet are warm, head is warm, life is good….until I get to mile 7. Now mile 7 I am feeling good, legs are feeling good, average speed is up, the sun is out and the birds (at least the ones that have not migrated south) are chirping. Then it happens, sudden silence in my ears….I can hear my own breathing and it isn’t pretty. I stop and fish out the trusty Ipod from my chest pocket…blankness. Now I know for a fact the battery was all charged up leaving one possible explanation for this malfunction, it’s frozen. Yes folks the classic Ipods can indeed freeze and mine froze leaving me many more miles to go in silence. Since I did not fancy shoving the hunk of cold metal and plastic down my pants to warm it up I suffered without it. I can see this is going to be a problem in the upcoming months so I have devised a fiendishly clever way to keep my Ipod from freezing that I will be testing on today’s ride. If it works I plan on a patent and will post the pics of my fiendishly clever invention tomorrow.

Vegan Thanksgiving, New Shoes, and A Cold Weather Riding Theme Song

Sheesh I have not posted since before Thanksgiving….admittedly I am a slacker.  Thanksgiving was fine, despite the temptations of a full dessert table and all of the fixings and trappings that come with such a feast I stood fast and did not cave.  I probably would have however my Sister-in-Law and Brother made some special dishes just for me.  After much cajoling telling them not to go through the trouble of preparing ME anything special…well they ignored my pleas.  They conjured up a vegan dish that was so good it nearly melted my face clean off of my skull.  Surprisingly (not really) no one else in the family even came close to eating any portion of this dish leaving me with all of the leftovers….that my friends is how you turn a frown upside-down.  I started off the day with a ride, taking advantage of the non existent holiday traffic patterns; essentially I had the road all to myself.  24 miles in sweet solitary and 24 miles of absolute pain.  It was about 30 degrees and I am still severely under prepared for cold weather riding.  My toes and feet were absolutely numb when I got home.  My fingers felt like they were frozen in place wrapped around the handlebars and my throat felt like someone glanced across it with an oxy-acetylene torch. 

With that being said I laid out a battle plan for this cold weather riding business the plan consisted of buying a lot of gear for just such instances.  So into the shop I trot eyes glazed over with anticipation of newly purchased swag, warm swag, comfy swag…you get the point.  It took exactly 54.2 seconds to dash my dreams into the rocks, for this is how long it took me to put on a riding jacket in the largest size they had only to find out it still does not fit.  Now, nothing can take the wind out of the sails of your weight loss ship like that of a item of clothing not fitting, compound that fact by the fact you don’t fit into the largest size carried in the store and you get just downright depressed.  If that is not depressing enough go to the website of your favorite brand of bikes, clothing and equipment only to find out they don’t make a bigger size…and you straight up feel like Jabba the Hut.  Come on now guys if XL is the largest you make I feel you can do better especially if your XL is like a medium….you know who you are.

There was a silver lining to this tempest though.  I am Irish and what is the first thing you think when you think “Irish”?  No not that thing…..nope guess again…..come on….fine I will tell you what you should be thinking “LUCK”  you know like “Luck of the Irish.”  The only issue is I am the un-luckiest Irishman you will ever meet in your life.  If I didn’t have bad luck I would have no luck at all.  On with the story, I ask for some cold weather shoes….they have one pair.  Not one style they literally have one single pair in the store.  I think to myself “Yeah probably in some elfish like size….damn my luck” he brings them to me…size 46….anyone want to guess what size I wear?  I WEAR A FREAKING 46!  I snatch them out of the box and strap them upon my feet…..perfection.  Are they warm I ask…..I am assured that they are indeed warm.  Welcome to the bonus round of this story, they are also on sale, not regular sale, not insane sale, they are on ridiculous sale.  I slap my money on the counter and scamper home. 

I can’t wait to get them on and ride so I make haste, they are warm and they are crazy comfortable.  This is the third pair of riding shoes I now own and by far the most comfortable…love them.

Formula For Success…Or Failure Depending On Where You Are Sitting

I don’t know why I never looked further up the road, I suspect it was a simple intersection that nothing more than a glace to the right and left and back on to the comfort of the crushed limestone trail.  On this particular day I looked to the left and my eyes fell upon it.  Like a sickeningly grotesque Leviathan rising from the murky depths the muddy and battered road ascended into the trees at a nausea inducing pitch.  I actually had to crane my neck towards the heavens in order to see the summit of this beast.  A voice from the woods whispered “go” and I shivered, standing in the wind driven rain.  The voice came again slightly softer than the first and drew out the word “goooo” I looked down the trail, that long comfortable trail…level, safe, clean.  The limestone trail is the easy way, the giant hill to my left is the hard way.  I turn toward the left, adjust my gears, tighten the wrist straps on my gloves, and unzip my jacket.  I stop before I get to the foot of the monster, retrieve the Ipod out of my pocket and roll my thumb across the wheel looking for just such a soundtrack for the misery I am no doubt going to face.  I find it, the sweet melodic tunes of Slayer…. surely talk of hell and Satan will get me to the top. 

I mount once again and I glance down at the bike and at my feet and at my legs…all covered in a thick layer of mud.  I start the climb and quickly have to grab for a lower gear, and another, and more yet.  I focus on my front tire and the thin spray of water and mud projecting off of it.  I grab for another low gear and realize there is not one any lower than the one I am in.  One thought crosses my mind, pain which is quickly followed by numb.  I abandon any semblance of controlled breathing and cling to gasping desperation.  I am moving so slow I fell like I am going to roll backward down this monster, I glance down at my bottle lusting after its contents.  Just a few more pedal strokes and this victory will be mine.  And then the road levels, I pedal on slowly climbing the gears and give a final glace back at the conquered foe. 

I had to drop of the Tri-Cross today for its (severely late) 15 ride check up.  In all honesty I could blame the entire month of October for all of its craptastic glory.  You remember my October right?  I thought you would, being the astute readers that you are.  So I wheel her in and am immediately overcome with a sudden panic that I will have to leave the care of this bike in the hands of someone else.  What if someone robs the shop?  What if they accidentally give the bike to the wrong person?  What if…What if…What if.  Its nearly to much to think about.  Then Jeff steps in, takes the bike from me and wheels it up to the counter.  Wherein he bombards me with the busy upcoming schedule of events going on in, near, and around the shop.  One…ok Two items catch my attention first is the New Years Day ride which starts at noon and in Michigan you are pretty much guaranteed mucho snow and sub zero temps.  I am down with that FO SHO!  The second is a Basic Maintenance class offered at the shop.  Now given my propensity to break things and my further propensity to try to fix things that I clearly know I can’t further breaking things…I am signing up for the class.   A wise shop owner would try to chase me away from such a class given the fact it will no doubt have an impact on his sales.  Here is the formula:  Gene tries to fix $10.00 bike part + Gene gets mad and breaks the $50.00 part attached to the $10.00 part + Gene also breaks the tool he was using to fix the $10.00 part = Gene has to go to bike shop and purchase new $10.00 part, $50.00 part and new tool.  See how it works?

Still struggling through “The Ultimate Ride” ….of course I used this book to further my Kindle request telling my wife I could have understood this book infinitely better had I read it using a Kindle.  Pretty sure she saw right through that one though.

 

Of Warmness….And Drug Deals

So the epically epic forth and backy trip to Florida went….well about like I thought it would. Arrive in Florida on Friday morning, immediately set about loading a 24 foot box truck with the In-laws earthly possessions, realize they should have got the 28 foot truck, curse the sky at the weight of the Wurlitzer piano my mother-in-law owns, shower, eat, bed, get up at sweet Mary mother of God early and drive. Therein lies the problem, 24 foot trucks from rental companies are not meant to be driven from Florida to Michigan…ever! There is the spine compressing seat, the FM radio with no Ipod jack or CD player, a misbehaving cruise control, and a top speed of a whopping 65 miles per hour.

Did I mention that my cohort in this trip was my brother-in-law? Perhaps I should have? Now my brother-in-law is a nice enough guy who has a wicked cool job and with a wicked cool job come wicked awesome stories, the kind of stories that can only be forged by having such an awesome job. What’s his job you ask? Well I can’t really tell you, what I can tell you is he works for an agency that puts really bad people behind bars and he does so by looking and acting like the previously mentioned bad people. If I tell you more I will have to kill you (of course I am kidding). This leads to travel problem number 2, when traveling great distances with someone who looks like a criminal people treat you like you are traveling with a criminal. In some cases when you are in, lets just say for instance, LEXINGTON FREAKING KENTUCKY….someone will try to sell your criminal looking brother-in-law drugs, which IS the last person on the planet you want to try to sell drugs to (please refer to my previous statement about him putting bad people behind bars) needless to say the drug transaction had some severe negative consequences to the would be drug dealer.

Now, it was considerably warmer in Florida and Georgia than it is in Michigan and with such warmth comes insane jealousy in seeing cyclists rubbing my nose in the fact that they can and do ride in shorts and sleeveless jerseys. So much so that one went out of his way by having a custom jersey silk-screened to say “Ha Ha Ha Gene you tool! Look at me riding in this warm weather in my shorts and sleeveless jersey!” Now you may find this funny, I fail to see the humor especially since I have to wear 4 layers of clothing just to think about riding in Michigan then I have to add one more in order to actually do it. I won’t even bring up the abundance of cycling lanes and apparently the strong cycling lobby that had a custom license plate made available to cyclists in Georgia. You year round warm state people really are quite snarky.

 

I picked up “The Ultimate Ride” by Chris Carmichael to read on the flight and the return drive home. Unfortunately since this book requires heavy concentration just to digest what in the world he is talking about I stopped reading it in the truck and have picked it back up at work. Interesting so far although I get lost in the gratuitous use of acronyms and formulas. I find the section on diets quite interesting.

If you need me I will be on my bike….so don’t need me.