Archive for the ‘Jackassery’ Category

Honestly the whole idea of a Santa Clause frightens me, I mean take a few minutes and think about it.  A guy who lives in the barren tundra of the North Pole, really out of shape, works one day a year and the rest of the time hangs out with elves?  That’s creepy right?  Then add the fact he can get into everyone’s house, keeps tabs on everyone formulating a list of who is naughty and nice all from atop the world.  It’s a bit…oh….I don’t know….1984 for me.  There are too many overtones of “Thought Police” for my taste.  Children writing letters to him asking for toys, begging to be placed on the nice list despite the fact they may or may not have pulled Suzie’s pigtails at lunch or issued that “noogy” to that pre-school brother of theirs.  Furthermore, while I am ranting and raving with no clear purpose, just what constitutes good and bad, naughty and nice?  Is there a rule book, is there a website, and is there a Facebook page dedicated to naughty and nicety?  If there rules aren’t clearly printed in black and white somewhere and freely available I don’t think we should be held to a constantly sliding scale of what is naughty and nice, tell me you agree?

I say all of that to say this; I must have been really really good this year cause Santa delivered to my house (even though it creeps me out thinking this dude was in my living room) a bounty of cycling goodness.  I hereby declare that despite the fact my Kit is already better than yours (a subject I have touched on here) I am now three times better looking than probably 93.862% of all cyclists because I found two new cycling jerseys under the tree this year.  Thus bringing my total count of jersey awesomeness to 5.  Now I have other jerseys, however 5 of them are of such radness they strike fear and trepidation into the deep recesses of a person’s soul when they are looked upon.    Of course it being winter in Michigan you will not be able to see these two new additions for another 8 months…which brings me to my second point of why I must have been so dang good this year.  Under the tree I also found the Sugoi Neo jacket I have been drooling after since last winter.  So while the awesomeness of my daily jersey selection shall remain hidden in the winter months have no fear the top layer of my kit is a completely rad-tastic jacket.   

Hope everyone had a good Christmas!

 Did you happen to see the art I am selling to raise money for the Tour de Cure this year?  There are 3 left of the first offering and I have started work on the second run of cycling art.  Here is a hint of what it will look like. 

Just a little hint

Anybody know what I am jazzed about? Anyone have a clue? I will tell you, Tour de Cure 2011 that’s what. I seriously cannot wait for this year’s event. I am already plotting and scheming, already wringing together my hands trying to come up with new and interesting ways to raise money. This year I would like to double my total from last year, remember what we raised last year?
*Sidebar: I say we because in large part it was people that frequent this site that donated a large chunk of the money so while I was on the team it was your support that helped and got me there. End of sidebar*
It was $1500.00 yep…remember that amount? I do! I also feel the need, given the fact I am the 2011 Adult Tour de Cure Ambassador, to really pull out the stops this year. I was shameless last year, if you followed the madness on Facebook you will remember how shameless the campaign was, I dare say it was downright shameless. I mean I threatened to streak a birthday party for crying out loud if people did not give. This year you can count on “Double Shameless-ness” you can also count on some interesting fundraising ideas I have….STARTING NOW!

Any body have any interest in owning a one of a kind, disgustingly awesome, limited edition, handmade by yours truly piece of bicycle type art (see below)? I am thinking a very limited run of 5 available after the first of the year. Just so we are clear if you buy one you are getting a handmade (by me) piece of art. It is handmade, (by me). Did I mention I made it? How is it made you ask? Well I painstakingly cut out the bike and letters and attach them to the red paper, it’s framed as well. Each one will be $50.00! I know, I know it sounds crazy that I am selling these for a mere $50.00 I know I could fetch billions for one of these. Contact me at if you are interested in purchasing, it’s for a good cause!  There will be future art offerings as well so if you miss this one stay tuned for more.

12x20 Framed


Dear Santa,

Posted: October 24, 2010 in Gear, Jackassery, Life, Minor Psychosis, Ramblings, Ridin

Dear Santa,

I know it’s a little early to write to you and give you my Christmas list this year but I figure you would be cool with it because Target already has Christmas decorations out in their store. I don’t always subscribe to the Target stores method of seasonal changes but I have quite list this year and some really expensive stuff so I thought I would give you as much advance notice as possible so you can reward my awesome “good behavior” over the last year. I know you are going to check that list twice and each time you will see my name on the very tippy top of the “good” and nary a mark will be found on the “bad” side….ok ok fine I know there was a time or two I misbehaved…your not going to begrudge me that are you? Ok here is my list and this year just like last year you can expect some gluten free, egg free vegan cookies and some almond milk at the bottom of my chimney. I am also going to leave you the E-2 book and an American Diabetes Association cookbook, to be frank and honest with you I have some deep concerns about your health.

You will notice that everything on this list is cycling related which should not come as a surprise to anyone really.

1.  I ride to work everyday now and when I leave in the morning it is quite dark still.  I could use some new lights for my bike just like the Mininewt.700

2.  Speaking of darkness I could really use a new monster bright jacket.  Mine has seen better days and is in need of retirement.  I would like the Sugoi Helium jacket….yellow please! 

3.  While your elves are stitching the Sugoi Helium jacket together why not have them also thow the Sugoi Neo in your sleigh as well?  It looks nice and warm and since Michigan winters rival North Pole winters I am sure you can appreciate a nice warm jacket? 

4.  I could really use some nice socks for those long winter commutes by bike.  My old smartwool socks are done…finished….kaput.  I like the socks this dude has.  The crazier the style the better I say…why be normal? 

5.  I was starting to think that all jersey makers pretty much sucked until I got my ADA Tour de Cure jersey….love that thing.  So I will pretty much take anything thing from here.

6.  I am pretty sure the Giro Prolight would look really good on me while protecting my melon.

7.  You can pick which one of these you want to give me:  this one -or- this one

8.  The Chris King “Dreadset”…..this requires no explanation.

Thanks a bunch,


You will of course remember that my first alternate ad for Xtracycle was “Because you just never know when you may run across a treasure you feel you can’t live without”

Here is the second one:
“Xtracycle…for when you find the next item your wife wont let you keep in the house”

Found this beauty last week

Ever get one of those ideas…Lets say for instance you have a picture in your head of what something should look like but come time to execute….disappointment?  I am just gonna throw out a hypothetical scenario for you faithful readers.  I have this “friend” who has this quasi popular (not really) website bloggy thing.  He got it in his brain that he wanted to change the look of it to something more edgy, rad, tubular, etc. The only issue is while he can hang ten on the internet machine like none other and can move files around and the like he has absolutely no clue how to build a website.  The poor fellow does not even know he doesn’t know how to build websites?  It seems as if he lives in some form of alternate universe wherein he is the master of all domain names and people bow to worship him blah blah blah.  Imagine his surprise when it came time for him to change the site and imagine his frustration when he could not get it the way he wanted it.  He even had a cool logo for the site and much to his chagrin it was simply not possible to incorporate it into the site.  Anyhow, that’s the story of my friend…poor soul.

See right over there on the right?  No not there….RIGHT THERE!  Where my Twitter feed displays on this site?  If you follow me on Twitter and I don’t know why you wouldn’t you would have figured out that I got my Xtracycle on Friday.  Even though I acted all coy and slick about it on 100poundsago, even made reference to a Frankenstein movie moment, if you would have read just to the right of the posts you would have known what in the world I was talking about.  If you have been wondering why I had erected lightning rods on the roof of my garage let this be a lesson to you that when someone suggests you follow them on Twitter you should.  My followers where “In the Know” but I digress.

Yeah, so the Xtracycle arrived on Friday and by Sunday I had everything attached, bolted, zip-tied, and Velcro-ed down.  I had to take it to James and the crew at Cycletherapy yesterday for some fine tweaking with the rear brake and as usual it was same day service from the fellas in the back.  Have you ever tried to mount an Xtracycle on a car rack?  Its not easy folks, as you can see from the picture. 

No matter what you do....something is going to hang over

This is my new commuter and errand running bike, my first thoughts on this thing?  AWESOME!  I ran it for the first time to work this morning and I was pretty loaded down.  The only thing I noticed was by back and shoulders didn’t hurt from the backpack and no loss of circulation in my hands from the backpack straps digging into my flesh.  Oddly the bike does not really even feel heavy?  I don’t get it but somehow Xtracycle has found a way to circumvent the natural laws of the universe and make heavy loads on the back of a bike seem non existent?  There must be some kind of space age polymer that they have pumped into the tubing that creates some kind of wormhole in the space time continuum or perhaps they have found a way to control and manipulate the laws of physics?  Or it could be as simple as the longer wheel base?  I am going to assume that the people at Xtracycle are pretty smart so I am sticking with they have some kind of control over string theory.  Another thing I found slightly odd is I was at the capacity of the bags and one side was obviously heavier than the other however I did not notice the weight distribution discrepancy….read the above statement about breaking the established laws of physics.  I have some things I would like to add to this bike in general like some fenders because much to my chagrin the entire bike is already covered in mud…as was I this morning.  I am thinking of changing out the stem and bars but as of right now I am undecided.   

Nothing better than indoor parking

Breakup Letter

Posted: September 16, 2010 in Jackassery, Minor Psychosis, Ramblings

Dear Fat and Gasoline,

I know I have been distant lately and for good reason, I want you both to know that its not you…its me. As much as that sounds like a cliché it’s totally true. Ok, well not 100% true since I really cant stand either of you but I wanted this to be a letter to let you both down gently. While I know we have had our good times and we have had our bad it was only when the bad started to far outnumber the good that I realized I need to grow as a person (or shrink as the case may be) and move on from the grasp that both of you had on me. We will always share the memories (as painful as they may be) of sitting in a car at the drive thru window waiting to be served pound after pound of Fat. My grossly overweight butt sitting in the car just waiting to get fatter while burning gallon after gallon of Gasoline. We are done, for I have found two different loves, loves that build me up and make me happy. I know this has to be hard for you both but you want me to be happy right? You want me to live a long healthy life free of medication and illness right? You have to let me go, I am moving on to Vegetables and Bikes. The hurt you both are feeling will heal with time and unfortunately you will move on to someone else and you will burden them as you have burdened me for so many years. This is my final good bye, I would prefer if we made a clean break and just left it at that. No further communication between us is wanted or needed.