Car -vs- Fat Guy….Hilarity Does Not Ensue

So there I was minding my own business consumed in torturing myself once again on the rolling hills and lazy turns of Williams Lake Road when all of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw a brilliant flash of chrome then a crack.  I land about 10 feet away from the spot I was a nano-second ago tits up in a ditch Mc Stealthy is tangled up on top of me.  I take a quick bodily inventory and realize I am not hurt so I scramble out from under Mc Stealthy and pop up out of the ditch only to find a woman behind the wheel on her cell phone.  I look at her…she looks at me and I yell “No need to call 911 I think I am fine!”  What she told me pegged my pissed meter in record time…she yelled back “I wasn’t calling 911 I am on the phone with my sister”  there was no “how are you, sorry Mr. Fat guy for slamming into you with my car while I was too busy to notice you cause I was on the phone with my sister.”  So I see red and unleash a barrage of profanity at elevated decibels while I stomp toward her car…I made up new words to call her,  I strung together a delicately quilted stream of naughty words that I am sure have never before been heard, much less uttered in the English language.  Obviously fearing for her life by having a heavy set, shaved head, and heavily tattooed man storming toward her car she hammered the gas and never looked back. 

 I retrieved Mc Stealthy from the ditch to survey the damage when I noticed my Oakley Whiskers lying pitifully on the ground.  Bent and warped beyond recognition the right ear piece was completely snapped in two.  Now my pissed meter is beyond out of control, these are not off the shelf Oakley’s, they are prescription Oakley’s that are by far my most favorite pair of glasses I own.  I snatch up the parts and pieces from the ground and stuff the corpse of what were very freaking expensive glasses into my Camelbak and continue to survey the damage.  Mc Stealthy has a bent rear wheel and the tire and tube are half off.  I pop off the back wheel and do the old BMX trick of slamming it into the ground several times to straighten it out and try in vain to use my Co2 inflator to get me back the 3 miles to my house.  No luck so I have to make the 3 mile walk back with a wobbling Mc Stealthy.  Other than a cut on my elbow from whatever filth and garbage was in the bottom of the ditch surprisingly and thankfully I had no other injuries.  My Whiskers on the other hand had to be shipped back to Oakley for damage assessment.  Still not sure how much that is going to cost or if they can even be repaired.  On a positive note though Oakley provided me with a UPS label via email to return the glasses to them and I didn’t have to pay a dime for shipping.

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